I retired from full-time employment recently, which has given me the time to think about things from a truly inward-looking perspective. Some of it is downright inspired, though not necessarily inspiring. Nevertheless, I’m going to share a recent lightbulb moment with you now. It’s yours to ponder.
What if every person who ever lived on this planet had the same thought in the moment just before they died of natural causes? That would be weird, right? And how could it be proved? Well, I’m here to tell you that I have achieved success through this new life of idle inspiration and I’m going to share it with my loyal readers. Every person, no matter what language they speak, what part of the planet they live on or what rung they occupy on the social ladder thinks this, just before they suddenly and unexpectedly expire —
“I gotta take a shit, but you know what? I’ll wait.”
Ask any EMT, coroner, medical examiner or mortician and they’ll tell you that they have always suspected this to be true, except they couldn’t confirm it as fact until it was too late. And to offer further proof, the last words of every EMT, coroner, medical examiner or mortician just happen to be some form of “Aha!” “Knew it!” or “I told you so.” Unfortunately, there’s never any time for further explanation.
Now, you might think it’s unusual that I can see around a temporal corner, so to speak, but I’ve been doing that my whole life. The truly inspired part of all this is that the next time you have to take a shit, dear reader, you will immediately find the nearest toilet and do your business. And the world will experience an epidemic of people who, like Elvis, died upon their toilets. Aha.